Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
