The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
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If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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