the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
