I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
