Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
