Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
