My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
