He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
