Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
