i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
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so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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