I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
