Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
