When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
third nipple confirmed
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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