quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
