A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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