Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
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Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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