How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think people are normalizing furries
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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