I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
