So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
