my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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