so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
