I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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