I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
