Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
