You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
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Do I have a choice?
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The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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