Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
