I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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