Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
