As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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