Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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