i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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