keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
