i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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