Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
