my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
