I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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