Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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