Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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