it was like his penis was on wheels.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
