what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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