Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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