You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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