i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
