I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
