There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
