Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
