so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
