you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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