dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
