i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
