I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
