What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
