The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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