That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
