Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
