We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
