the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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