i barfeds in our rink
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
