you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
